Firstly, how can anyone make you lose yourself in relationship? That is your responsibility. No one can do that for you, nor to you. By being rooted in your power, your truth, your authenticity – you can never lose yourself. If you are unable to do this yet, it can unfortunately facilitate an unconscious and/or subtle form of self-sabotage.
“So. Know who you are. Know your needs. Know your desires. Know your direction. Know your values. Know your priorities. Know yourself basically. This knowledge will prevent you from compromising too much in a relationship. Your strong sense of self will help you stick to what is truly important to you. This will give you a sense of security, which comes from within and not from your relationship.”
Here’s how not to lose yourself in relationship. (*Very important note: this pertains to both parties in the relationship.)
1. Set clear, healthy boundaries from the outset.
Have a conversation in which you both state your needs in relationship and help each other honour them.
Ie: What does it mean for you to be in relationship?
Healthy boundaries will make you each feel stronger and more empowered in your relationship.
2. Cultivate space in your relationship.
Both people should maintain alone time and time with their own friends. Don’t ditch your hobbies and other interests. Do stuff on your own. Basically don’t lose sight of what you were working towards before you met this lovely person.
If you need to be alone – then go be alone. Don’t try to be alone together. That’s just a downfall waiting to happen. Energy is powerful and it takes up space. You’re not actually alone until you are physically alone.
And being alone also works well if you are in a challenging space internally. Take space to work through your stuff to gain a sense of where you are at, so you are not projecting it onto the other without careful consideration and discernment. Manage your emotions.
3. Maintain balance in the relationship.
Don’t do everything together all the time. Create space. How? See number two above. Really examine if you should be living together? Some of the best relationships thrive when people have their own space or live in a big space together with multiple rooms. Space is healthy, not a hindrance. It inspires growth in oneself – and consequently, in your relationship.
And don’t over give. Giving yourself what you need first will allow you to truly give to your partner from a place of fullness instead of depletion.
4. Nurture clear communication.
Be aware of the messaging you relay to your significant other through your speech and actions. The point: refrain from being misleading. Ie: Being very open from the outset by wanting to fully engage/be seen/be fully loved/saying yes to everything – but then pulling back abruptly when you are met in all of this is not so cool. Because it’s kind of like testing where the other is at/how committed they are to the relationship – and highlights the depth to which you are leading them to. And then when they show up and are fully present to meet you in what you are offering – you may very well pull back, or run away. It may leave the other one feeling confused and abandoned – and/or perhaps misled. So consider being aware of your speech and actions from the beginning. (By remembering and practicing numbers 1 -3 mentioned above.)
Make sure your decisions are in line with your internal ebb and flow. If your internal and external landscape each look very different, there’s an issue that is screaming for your attention. Listen and honour.
Do yourself and your partner a favour and take space to get acquainted with what you’re feeling – instead of working through all your various thought waves aloud with the sensitivity of your partner present. Again, manage your feelings and emotions.
And stop with the people-pleasing. You matter! Give to yourself first so that you may fully and truly give to others.
Consider setting an intention to support the growth and healing of each other, instead of enabling old, tired worn patterns and belief systems that no longer serve you, your partner, nor the greater good of the Whole. Take ample space to diffuse any charge if one or more of you is lacking discernment or clarity in this regard. Then come back and meet from a place of mutual compassion. Truly empathize with your partner by putting yourself in the their shoes to truly understand the make up of what is being projected. After all, compassion is LOVE. Isn’t this what life is all about? Knowing that we are this incessant love. That all is by the Grace of Divine love? Including the One across from You.
And lastly, perhaps consider asking yourself this important question:
Do you feel worthy of being truly and deeply loved?
That is, can you take your armour off and go into the fear (of seemingly “losing yourself”)? There is most often gems on the other side of fear. The coal has to be etched away to reveal the vibrant, luminous diamond. You are strong. You can do it. What is the alternative? Remaining in a tight-fisted ball of contraction? Resistance is fear. And fear is an opening/invitation to LOVE. The question is are you ready to meet the love that is You? (The Goddess Love that is loving You through this form before You.) There is nothing personal about this people. But the problem is we take everything so personally because we are so identified with our stories. Relationship is an opportunity to work through our stuff – and essentially, to surrender to the love being reflected to you. This love that is You.
Can you cross this powerful threshold and truly relax into the very ground of Truth?
Remember, a healthy relationship is supposed to elevate both people to be powerful together, but also to still be powerful on their own.
Blessings on your relationship journey!